It’s Sunday 20th of May. the weather outside is warm, sunny and it’s a beautiful day. I’m sitting indoors, missing out on all that lovely free vitamin D, because I’m struggling to keep the tears at bay. the last few weeks haven’t been great, the last seven days has been like one of those rides at a theme park that you go on once and vow never to go on again because it made you throw up and then stopped, leaving you hanging upside down for two hours till the engineers could fix it. I had a public meltdown on Tuesday which upset and scared a lot of people, and by Friday I was back with the thoughts in my head of calling it a day and getting off this ride forever. I’m writing this so evidently I’m still here, and I’m still ok, I haven’t tried to hurt myself, and nobody needs to hide the sharp implements if I visit.
So the question is, how did we get back here? back in February/March I had made the decision to leave my old job, I’d got a new job, and I’d put on a brilliant night at Yellow Arch, I was buzzing, almost euphoric, and I really felt that I’d turned a corner and the black dog was well under control. I made lots of plans, and I mean LOTS of plans, I made ALL the plans, some of them came off, and some of them spectacularly crashed and burned, but never let it be said that I haven’t had the balls to give stuff a try.
The upshot is that in my panic to make sure I’d have money coming in from September after my Towsure contract finishes, I scatter gunned ideas around and took on way more than I could mentally cope with, something has got to give, I’m back to sleeping a couple of hours a night, and the weight of the black dog is back on my shoulder again.
All of which brings us back to today, I’ve been out to see two friends, and spoken to a couple more online, and that’s been nice , I’m really really lucky to have you all in my life, there’s a long list of people that I can talk to, and yet I can’t bring myself to send a message, because I don’t want to be the guy who shits all over a lovely sunny day with my whining crap so I sit here, feeling numb, wanting to switch off, but not allowed to by my brain which is like a perpetually whirring clock. my shoulders and neck are knotted, I’m aching all over, I’ve got a nagging stomach ache for the 10th day in a row. Last night I went to the comedy club to watch the acts and study the craft of comedy, then I went to the Washington and had a few diet cokes surrounded by a wildly eclectic bunch of people in various states of inebriation and celebration, I spoke to people who are fans, friends, and who all reminded me that however I feel, I’m loved and admired. I talked to them all honestly about this week, and reiterated my crusade, which is to get everyone talking about this shitty disability which takes so much from everyone.
I think I’m going to be back here quite a lot, so watch this space, and if you bump into me around town, all hugs are very gratefully received right now. love you all.