Reality, Remembering, Regret.

Trying to be positive today, honestly, it’s a bit of a struggle. Reality is waiting for me in the shape of a meeting with work on Friday, to discuss my illness, how I’m feeling, and when I think I’ll be fit to return. The simple answers are; I’m clinically depressed, I feel pretty low but stable at least, and I have no idea whatsoever when I’ll be ready to return. Of course, none of those answers are as cut and dried as they appear, but at this stage they really are the best that I have to offer. I know that this illness is a pre-existing condition, something that isn’t going to go away, hopefully it’s something that I can manage, but I can’t pretend that work hasn’t contributed, in fact it has been the main trigger for the despair and the feelings of hopelessness. So, I have to ask myself, is my commitment to my work more important than my mental health? I know that to do the job properly, effectively, I’d need to be 100% all day every day, and at this point I’m less than 75%. To try to do the job at 75% just to preserve my health, that isn’t an option, the people we look after deserve to be looked after by someone at 100%. So, let’s say I take time, and get my health back to 100%, then go back and carry on where I left off. I think that given everything, if I try to do that, within a short space of time, I’ll be right back here where I started. Can I take that risk? that’s the decision that is preying on my mind, night and day. Is there any way I could do something similar? Again, risky, I could go from the frying pan into the fire. Do I admit defeat, resign, and then look for something new? That’s the scariest idea of all, and although I have ideas, the thought of being unemployed again fills me with dread, a real physical feeling of sickness and anxiety. So, Friday could well be  rough day.

One thing that having time alone brings, apart from the negatives, is a chance to remember. Music, films, friends, photographs, it’s been good to reconnect with the past, to draw upon experiences of good times, things that made me happy, and to try to make a physical connection, by listening to the songs, going through the photographs, and by getting in touch with people I haven’t seen in a while. I am very lucky, that the really important friendships in my life are fluid, we can go months, sometimes years without seeing each other, and maybe only having an occasional message, but when we do meet, it’s like the interim just melts away and we carry on exactly where we left off. I know that I’m not always the best at staying in touch, partly because of everyday life, but also because my lack of confidence always convinces me that I’m being a nuisance by sending a message. I’m getting better at that, slowly. I hope though, that anyone reading this who hasn’t heard from me in a while, understands the reasons, and remembers that I’m always here, and I do always answer a text or a call or a message.

I’ve always said that I don’t have any regrets, I’ve made mistakes in my life, I’ve said and done the wrong thing on occasion, but I’ve always been quick to realise my mistakes, to learn from them, and to make amends if I’ve caused any hurt or upset. what I do regret, is time, time that I lost in going along the wrong road, and most importantly, time I spent not believing in myself, and time I wasted not pursuing the goals that I could have achieved, I don’t want to have any more of those regrets, it’s going to be another journey but I think this journey to health will go alongside the journey to gain my confidence, and to try to build a future without regret.

Rambling. something I do often, ranting, again, something I do often. I need to work on both those things.

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