What do I do now?

It’s the small things, that build in to bigger things, and they go one way or the other. A walk with your friend and the dog, a cup of coffee, doing something nice for someone, suddenly your mood lifts and the skies clear and the day feels that bit better. The flip side, being alone, bad weather, and the clouds gather, the mood darkens and if you’re already low, despair or anxiety hit you like a kick to the solar plexus.

Yesterday’s kicks were the weather, which was cold, grey and grim, and secondly, a call from work. I’m requested to attend a meeting next Friday, to go over some paperwork and discuss how I’m getting on, straight forward, nothing to worry about….. which, If I had a broken leg, would be pretty accurate, but I don’t have a broken leg, it’s my mind that’s broken, and the words ‘ nothing to worry about ‘ ……. guaranteed to make me worry for the next seven days. On top of the general stress and depression, this is a bit like kicking the one-legged man’s good leg from under him.

Needless to say, the afternoon passed slowly, and pretty grimly, my mood ranging from anxious, to tearful, and right back to ‘is it all worth it?’

It sounds dramatic, and to actually say it out loud to someone almost feels embarrassing, but I’ve made a conscious decision to make this blog a warts and all honest account of the good days and the bad days, because only by talking about it can I make any sense of it, and without making sense of it, I can’t let myself believe that the journey is going to end positively. Deep down I know that with the combination of medication, counselling, and the love and support of my friends and family, I CAN get there, the bad days just kick a slice of hopelessness into the mix.

In better news, this week’s positives have included a few lessons in music recording, meeting a new friend, and having a nice home cooked meal with another friend, and having a long overdue catch up. So, tonight, I’m going to bed and I’m going to try to focus on these positives, and not the bad days that this week has brought.

Tomorrow is another day, and I have some ideas, some plans, and some work to do, to try to figure out how to turn those ideas and plans into a concrete decision, and something to aim for. I’m keeping things vague for now, but watch this space, and when there’s something to tell you about, you’ll be the first to know.

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