After the crash down to earth on Monday, I stayed up late, tired from the emotions of the day, but unable to reach the stage of sleep. Not wanting to disturb Janine, I sat and caught up on emails, recorded TV programmes, and editing photographs from Chester until my eyes became heavy and I could finally try to get a few hours rest.
Waking up on Tuesday, still tired, I hoped for a better day ahead. The sunshine cheered me a little, in spite of the bitter cold, and I went to see the nurse for my diabetes review. The results were good, my blood tests were showing a level of someone without diabetes, an amazing improvement even from the great results of my last review. Blood pressure fine, weight loss back on track, the nurse is pleased enough with my progress that I am no longer taking any medication for Type 2 diabetes. I’m not ‘undiagnosed’ , and I still need to be careful and maintain my diet and exercise to prevent the symptoms worsening again, and the need for medication returning. It’s entirely up to me to stay in control of this, just like the journey back to good mental health, I’m the driver and I need to be the one taking the wheel. It did feel good to know that at least in terms of my diabetes, I’m regaining control.
Feeling positive, I called my friend Sarah, to ask if she wanted to go for a walk with her dog, out in Greno Woods. The weather wasn’t as good as the morning, but good shoes and warm clothes can make the conditions bearable. So we had a steady half an hour walking through the woods, while the dog, allowed the freedom to be off lead for a while, enjoyed running around at top speed in circles around us, bounding in between trees, in the stream, up hill and down dale, seemingly without any loss of energy and bounce. It was great to watch her enjoying the pure joy of being alive, and my mood lifted to a level that I could almost describe as ‘good’. Small steps, I’m not expecting to feel great. but feeling ok is progress.
finishing off the day with a rehearsal with the brothers, was again something positive. I may be wrong, but despite being incredibly supportive, I feel that the lads, and some other friends, are finding the situation mildly uncomfortable, I think if anything, this illustrates the need for more openness and honest discussion about this subject, it’s almost like bereavement, nobody really knows what to say for the best, so conversation can be stilted. I totally understand the reaction of people to this, outwardly there is nothing tangible to indicate the illness, in fact a number of people have commented how well I’m looking, which is flattering but almost makes me laugh, I sometimes think it would be easier if depression came with bruises, something physical that people can see and understand. It’s hard to explain what’s going on in my head, to express in words how the thoughts form themselves and how they control everything. I’ll keep trying, both here and in person with friends, family, and the doctors.
Wednesday has started fairly steadily, I’m hoping to go out for a walk, we’ll see. at the moment I’m not feeling very motivated but that could change rapidly if the weather improves and maybe today could be one of the better days.