Today was a ‘good’ day. The weather was promising, blue skies and sunshine taking the edge off the chill of autumn, a nice day for a walk in the countryside that we’re so lucky to be surrounded by here in Sheffield, less than 10 minutes drive from home. Our friends came to collect us and we drove down to Low Bradfield to set off on our stroll around Dam Flask. The combination of good company, nice weather, fresh air and exercise all kept my mood lifted, joined half way round by another friend, stopping briefly at his house for a cup of tea and a gossip about local characters, and then we continued our walk. A nice leisurely lunch followed, good food, good conversation, really can’t ask for much better. Tired after the walk and the lunch, a teatime nap, interrupted only by the sound of fireworks from the displays locally, and waking up with a start, breathing rapidly and head spinning a little, heart pounding at first and a feeling of something like fear or dread, then calming as my eyes become accustomed to the gloom of the bedroom. a message on my phone from my sister “how are you doing today?”
“I’m OK” I reply. “I feel almost guilty for not being under the duvet crying, but that might just be what happens tomorrow” In truth, I don’t know what tomorrow is going to be like, it could be another ‘good’ day, or it could be another day like last Thursday, weeping from morning until night on and off. I’ve been taking the tablets for two days, and yeah, I’m chalking today up as a win because I haven’t been tearful or had any dark thoughts, but I’m not daft, I know this journey has just begun, and it’s not going to be all nice walks in the autumn sunshine and nice lunches, there are going to be crying jags, there are going to be the thoughts of not being around any more. The most important thing I have to focus on and remember, is that I’m not going through this alone, as a friend said last night, “you’ve got this beat, there’s an army on your side and it’s just one black dog”
It might not appear obvious when you’re in the midst of the battle, but all of us, if we think about it, have our own army behind us, even if it is just the army of one, but they are present, billeted in the background, waiting to be called upon. They are our friends, our families, they are our G.P.s, and they are organisations who will help. if you’re reading this, you can google them, but here’s one for a start; http://www.samaritans.org
Talk. Share. Stay safe.